by Alison Greenon December 23, 2020
It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.
Remember the letter-writer whose husband was her boss — and they were getting divorced? Here’s the update.
I appreciated the advice and the comments. I most of all appreciated a clear view of my situation.
The divorce will be finalised in six months and I have moved out. Not having to be in contact with my ex-husband privately has helped a lot. In the comments there were questions on the age and paternity of my daughter: she is a very young adult and my now ex-husband is her father, but since he abandoned her so heartlessly I cannot bring myself to use the word “our.” She says she has lost her father and that is the truth. She is thank god doing well now and does not need medical treatment – or the insurance – anymore so that is a big relief.
I always knew that my place of work had an unhealthy culture but I am happy to be confirmed in that belief and shown just how toxic it is. However, the situation now is clearly untenable and I am looking for another job, of course. It is difficult but I hope to be able to land one in 2021.
Regarding my current job. I continue to keep the divorce a secret and plan to do so as long as possible. So far, my soon-to-be ex-husband has agreed. He is going to have a new boss very soon,, and that will probably be someone from the outside who may not be onboard with the prevalent unhealthy culture – at least not in the beginning, so he is afraid of what will happen if the abandonment and affair comes to light in a way he cannot control.
Someone asked in the comments if my husband is the boss of his new girlfriend. And yes he is: she is a member of the same department as I am, and the affair has been going on for years behind my back know now, Thank god I do not work in teams with her and never see her due to Covid, because that would be untenable.
I thought my ex-husband was a bad manager even before the divorce, and that, and the loss of respect I have for him now, makes going through meetings with him very difficult – thank god for Covid restrictions. We have very few meetings now. I have declined the “career development meetings” that employees are offered here; there is no point, since I have no faith that he is the least interested in me developing my career. T
The reason I have kept my silence is that the director gave me a new assignment – a large project – not long after i wrote to you. This assignment may well be my ticket to another job, and if I had disclosed the divorce to him it would have cost me the assignment and most likely my job.
Actually, what I took most at heart from your advice was the level of toxicity in the organisation: I realise that my faith in the director is misplaced and that he has a large part in creating and sustaining this culture. Believing that he would want to change this culture or even take my concerns about retaliation from my ex-husband seriously is naive and any faith that my husband’s new boss is going to be a better manager is naive too. So I will leave as soon as I can, keep my silence as long as I can and when my husband goes public with his mistress, now girlfriend, at my workplace I am going to behave with as much dignity as I possibly can.
Of course I will warn any of your readers, indeed anyone, against working in an organisation that allows one spouse to manage the other. It is, as you and others said, a huge red flag and the only thing there is to do is to get out as soon as possible. So that is what I am going to do.
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FAQs
What to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
- Act as though you will move forward with confidence. ...
- Allow your spouse to come to you with questions or concerns. ...
- Be your best self. ...
- Behave respectfully toward your spouse. ...
- Don't engage in arguments. ...
- Get help. ...
- Give your spouse some space. ...
- Keep busy.
What if I don't want a divorce but my husband does? ›
Instead, express that you don't want a divorce and you're willing to seek counsel. Then ask if your spouse will explore less drastic options. Mueller suggests a healing separation, which is working to build a different relationship since most people really don't want to divorce the person but the relationship as it is.
Should you tell your boss you're getting divorced? ›
There is nothing wrong with disclosing your divorce to your boss. In fact, according to the Harvard Business Review, your employer can extend compassion and flexibility when they know a bit more about your situation. This knowledge may enable them to provide support and encouragement.
How to tell your husband you want a divorce without hurting him? ›
How To Tell Your Husband You Want a Divorce
- Choose the right time. ...
- Start with empathy and gratitude. ...
- Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. ...
- Keep it in “I” language. ...
- Prepare for what he'll say. ...
- Lead with empathy. ...
- Rinse and Repeat. ...
- Give him time and space to process the news.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome? ›
So, what exactly is walkaway wife syndrome? In essence, it refers to wives who become so emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with their marriages that they eventually decide to leave—often after years of built-up resentment. This isn't your typical cold feet or mid-life crisis.
Why would a husband suddenly want a divorce? ›
No longer a partnership: When one or both spouses feel like they are all alone in the relationship, that they are misunderstood or unheard in the marriage, or that they no longer have anything in common with their partner, the marriage is more likely to end in divorce.
Can you refuse to give your husband a divorce? ›
It's important to understand that a spouse cannot prevent a divorce simply by ignoring it. The legal system allows individuals to seek a divorce even if their partner is not in favor of it. However, the process can be more complicated when the divorce is contested, and the unwilling spouse refuses to cooperate.
What to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce? ›
Before having a divorce discussion, consider whether you ever feel unsafe around your spouse. If you do, let trusted friends and family members know what you're planning. If possible, meet with a family law attorney and family therapist before talking with your spouse about separation or divorce when abuse is a factor!
What happens when only one spouse wants a divorce? ›
Oftentimes the court will grant permission to publish a summons, asking your spouse to come forward and respond. The summons must run for 28 days, and your spouse has 30 days from the final publication date to respond. If they do not, you can request a divorce by default.
Is divorce a reason to miss work? ›
There's no reason that divorce should cause you to take time off from work. With a good divorce law firm, most of your paperwork will be handled by the office, and you will only need to respond to the occasional phone call and signature request.
Some tips to help you guide the conversation with your boss include:
- Only share what you feel comfortable sharing. It is not required that you tell your boss or coworkers about your divorce. ...
- Focus on how the divorce might impact you at work. ...
- Avoid blaming performance on your divorce.
When should you call it quits and get divorced? ›
If the marriage consistently causes unhappiness, negatively impacts your mental or emotional health, or hinders your personal growth and fulfillment, it may be time to call it quits or to explore separation.
How to tell a narcissist you want a divorce? ›
Be straightforward. When you tell a narcissist that you want a divorce, be clear and concise. Don't waffle or show ambivalence. Limit your interaction to necessary topics, and don't allow them to engage you in an emotional or circular conversation.
What not to do when your husband wants a divorce? ›
The don'ts:
- Don't panic. Saying he wants a divorce and actually divorcing are two different things. ...
- Don't beg and plead. Desperately begging him to reconsider and pleading for another chance will likely not work. ...
- Don't let anger get the best of you. ...
- Don't accuse or blame. ...
- Don't accept it and tell him to leave.
How do you divorce your husband when he won't leave? ›
If your spouse does not agree to leave the house, the only other ways to remove them from the house are through legal action—either by calling the police, applying for a protective order, or divorce. You cannot otherwise evict your spouse from their homestead without utilizing one of these measures.
What do you say to someone whose spouse wants a divorce? ›
You could say things like: “I'm sorry you have to go through something so painful.” “I'm guessing you're really confused right now.” “It sounds like you're extremely hurt and disappointed.
What to do after telling husband you want a divorce? ›
After you have told your spouse you want a divorce, you will need to start the legal process. We strongly recommend speaking to a specialist divorce lawyer before having the divorce conversation so you can get the process started promptly.
How do you explain to your husband that you want a divorce? ›
Here are some top tips on how you can best approach the conversation:
- Recognise that you will be in a different place emotionally to your spouse. ...
- Think carefully about what you want to say to your partner. ...
- Choose when and where to tell your spouse 'I want a divorce' ...
- Respect your partner's feelings. ...
- Be honest.
How do I get my husband to accept divorce? ›
It's critical to have some level of patience. Gently help your spouse realize that the divorce is going to happen while still acknowledging their loss. Without grieving the good and bad aspects of the marriage, your spouse may interpret divorce as meaning they just wasted years of their life.