my husband is my boss — and we’re getting divorced
by Alison Greenon June 4, 2020
A reader writes:
I am asking for advice about how to handle my impending divorce at work. I work at a large nonprofit in a specialist capacity that is a recognized priority for the company, but organizationally belongs to one of five departments. I’ve worked here for 10 years. I was headhunted by the executive director, and have worked myself up to the specialist position I have now.
My husband of 28 years has been employed at the nonprofit for 20 years, and during the last five he has been the head of the department I am in — my boss.
The organization has many married couples on all levels. (The former executive director was married to the head of the largest and most important department.) My husband has previously given me worse conditions than others to avoid being accused of favoring me, to the point that the director had to step in.
It has not been easy, but I have done my utmost to behave professionally and keep my private life as separate from my work as humanly possible.
Now my husband/head of department has asked for a divorce suddenly and unexpectedly, as he is having an affair with a colleague. The divorce is a great shock, made worse by the fact that our daughter is critically ill and faces a long, hard recovery.
My soon-to-be ex-husband has the power to cut my funding, lay me off, give negative feedback to the director about me, badmouth me, and make my life even harder than it is.
I normally have a good rapport with the director, but should I tell him about the divorce and illness or not? I wish to remain professional and private, but without telling him about the divorce I have no way of protecting myself from the persecution that I fear from my ex-husband. On the other hand, the director might lay me off himself to avoid problems with my ex-husband. My priority is to keep my job, since finding a new one is next to impossible and I need the insurance for my daughter.
Oh no. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
And whoa, this organization is a mess. Married people should never be allowed to manage each other, and it’s apparently common there. As you’ve seen, it’s a recipe for all kinds of problems — favoritism, the perception of favoritism, lack of objectivity, and plenty more. It generally means that the employee’s performance isn’t assessed appropriately and they’re not given adequate feedback, and it can even open up your company to charges of harassment down the road (“I wanted to end things with him, but he implied it would affect my standing at work”). Most employers rightly don’t permit this.
But that doesn’t help you now, of course. He does manage you, and your organization has apparently been fine with that (even after having to intervene over his treatment of you!).
You do need to tell the executive director about the divorce. It’s very unlikely not to affect things at work, and he’ll need to be aware of that context. You also need to tell him because you need to ask to report to a different manager. I don’t know how feasible that will be logistically, but it’s utterly untenable to work for someone who’s in the process of divorcing you (and having an affair with a colleague, no less).
I get that you’re concerned about being pushed out, but even if you don’t disclose the situation, your husband probably will! It’s unlikely that he plans to pretend you’re still together, especially once the divorce is final, and especially if he wants to go public with the new relationship at some point.
Please consider consulting a lawyer for help here, aside from the legal help with the divorce itself. Firing you at the end of your relationship with your boss would put the company on shaky legal ground, and ideally you or your lawyer should stand ready to explain to the company the legal considerations in play. (Also, please talk to your divorce lawyer about getting an agreement to keep your daughter on your husband’s insurance, which should help you feel less tied to this job.)
Last, I strongly urge you to reconsider your commitment to staying in this job, especially if they won’t move you (but even if they will). You might not be able to leave immediately, but please actively work toward it. This is not a workable situation for any of you.
Read updates to this letter here and here.
You may also like:
- my husband keeps contacting my coworkers about funding his nonprofit
- my boss is questioning the need for my child's medical care
- my husband's boss/our friend is sleeping with their married department head
FAQs
Counseling. Suggest engaging in marriage counseling or individual therapy. Professionals can mediate and provide strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts, potentially salvaging the marriage. This approach can be crucial in figuring out how to deal with divorce when you don't want it.
How to handle a husband wanting divorce? ›
What to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
- Act as though you will move forward with confidence. ...
- Allow your spouse to come to you with questions or concerns. ...
- Be your best self. ...
- Behave respectfully toward your spouse. ...
- Don't engage in arguments. ...
- Get help. ...
- Give your spouse some space. ...
- Keep busy.
Take the time to listen to your spouse and get a clear picture of why they want a divorce. This conversation could include a discussion of possible reconciliation, and also allow you to gauge their interest in pursuing non-adversarial divorce options like mediation or collaboration.
What to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce? ›
Seeking professional advice, engaging in self-reflection, understanding your financial situation, considering child custody matters, preserving important records, seeking support from loved ones, exploring alternative dispute resolution, and prioritizing your well-being are all crucial steps to take before telling your ...
Can you refuse to give your husband a divorce? ›
A spouse cannot stop a divorce through legal means. Only the petitioner can choose not to continue with the process. The only thing a respondent in a divorce case can do is file a motion to contest the petitioner's terms.
What is the walkaway husband syndrome? ›
Walkaway Spouse Syndrome, colloquially known as “neglected spouse syndrome,” unfolds when a spouse decide to part ways with their significant other without any prior warning, leaving a trail of unanswered questions. Why would a spouse opt for an abrupt divorce instead of exploring alternatives like couples therapy?
Do I have to leave my home if my wife wants a divorce? ›
A spouse cannot be compelled to vacate the marital home unless there is a court order or proof of domestic violence. The only viable option to remove a spouse from the marital home is to pursue legal action, such as calling the police, applying for a protective order, or filing for divorce.
Should I move out if my husband wants a divorce? ›
You may need to, especially if a living situation becomes unsafe. But in general, unless the court specifically orders you to, or it's a safety issue, we don't recommend vacating until temporary orders are in place. As long as it's safe, we strongly urge you to stay at least until you consult an attorney.
What if only one spouse wants a divorce? ›
A claim of “irreconcilable differences” by either party is enough for a court to agree to end the marriage. In short, if one person wants out of a marriage, he is legally able to do so, whether the other person agrees or not.
What is a silent divorce? ›
A “silent divorce” or an “invisible divorce” generally refers to the same concept. Both phrases describe a situation where a married couple remains legally married but has effectively ended their emotional and often physical relationship.
Do not yell, throw things, cajole, beg, plead, or nag. Keep calm and find pockets of time or moments to visit with your wife about why she wants the divorce and what options she would consider that would allow you to both reconcile.
How do I know if my husband is serious about divorce? ›
If someone suspects their spouse is thinking about divorce, it is likely because they're seeing signs they shouldn't ignore. Warning signs include emotional disconnection, loss of romance, and living like roommates. Once contempt enters a relationship, it may be too late to save the marriage.
What is the #1 cause of divorce? ›
Lack of Commitment Is the Most Common Reason for Divorce
Marriage is not always easy, so success requires both spouses to be dedicated to their union and serious about making it last. That's why it is not surprising that a lack of commitment could spell disaster for a couple.
How do you silently prepare for a divorce? ›
Gather Important Documents
Discreet preparation is crucial, and collecting critical documents quietly ensures readiness for legal proceedings. These documents – such as financial records, property deeds, and personal papers – are the keys to unlocking a fair and equitable divorce process.
What are the five stages of divorce? ›
Divorce is a deeply challenging experience, both emotionally and mentally. By understanding the five stages of divorce – Shock & Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance – individuals can gain insight into their own emotional journey.
What to do if you want a divorce but your husband won t leave? ›
Get a civil protection order.
Requesting a civil protection order from the court can be an effective way to get your spouse out of the house. Depending on where you live, this order may go by a different name. However, its essence remains the same: it's a civil order directing your spouse to stay away from you.
What if I don't want to divorce my husband? ›
Instead, express that you don't want a divorce and you're willing to seek counsel. Then ask if your spouse will explore less drastic options. Mueller suggests a healing separation, which is working to build a different relationship since most people really don't want to divorce the person but the relationship as it is.
What happens if you don't want to get divorced? ›
What if You Don't Want a Divorce? If you don't want a divorce but your spouse does, you should consider suggesting counseling or a trial separation. Sometimes, these steps are enough to give you a chance to save the marriage.
What happens if both people don't want a divorce? ›
Further, the court can grant a divorce without one spouse's consent. Here's how this works: First, spouses must go through a separation period prior to filing for divorce. The separation must last for one year, during which spouses live separate and apart and do not reconcile.
